merrah

Breakfast: 3/4 cup honey nut cheerios (no milk) - 110 cal
2 cups coffee, water - 0 cal

Lunch: 1 cup chickpeas - 210 cal
1 tomato - 25 cal
diet coke, water

Dinner: white rice - 250 cal?
red bell pepper - 30 cal
diet coke, water

Total - 625

Brekkie: 1/2 cup cottage cheese - 80 cal, 0 fat
1 banana -100 cal, 1 fat
16 oz water -0 cal, 0 fat
2 cups coffee, 4 packets stevia - 0 cal, 0 fat

Lunch: Butternut squash soup - 90 cal, 2 fat
Raw veggies - 50 cal, 0 fat
24 oz water - 0 cal, 0 fat

Snack: 2 Rivita crackers - 90 cal, 0 fat
1/2 an avocado - 138 cal, 13.5 fat
16 oz water - 0 cal, 0 fat

Dinner: 2 slices toast - 240 cal, 4 fat
1tbsp peanut butter - 90 cal, 8 fat
1 tbsp jam - 50 cal, 0 fat
1 small potato - 110 cal, 0 fat
Tbsp salsa - 20 cal, 0 fat

Total - 1058 cal, 28.5 fat

Okay.

I hate myself. It's happened so fast I didn't see it coming. I think I'm literally going mental. I've been starving and purging and binging and cutting and hating myself for every single one of these things. And smoking and drinking too much, and not talking to anyone in my classes and writing depressing shit for my playwriting class, and thinking horrible thoughts about myself and my life, and relaying conversations in my mind over and over and over again and disecting each word I said and that was said. And thinking, go kill yourself more times in a day than I can count. And hiding everything from megan, and having all my life be one big embarassement. School is the one place I feel sane so I cannot screw it up or skip out on it unnecessarily. If I didn't have it or if I'd fuck it up I would go mental for real.

I am so sick of being sick. I had cold/flu symptoms for a week, hardly left the house and survived on fluids, and when the cold/flu finally went away, what happens? I get a fucking viral infection in my lungs. It hurts to breathe, roll my right shoulder, lie on my side - and I still have a bit of a fever (98.8, I'm used to celcius so I don't know what that means).

I've been doing nothing productive this past week. I went to one class on thursday when I thought I was all better, and I was kicked out of another class for not showing up (they re-registered me when I threw a shit fit) We're only going into the third week of classes and I feel like I've already fallen so far behind.

I've lost a few pounds (that's an upside, I guess) but it was probably just water weight from the IV. While I was waiting in the doctors office today I couldn't stop staring at that big, official medical scale. I hopped on, 116.8 (it's notable that I was wearing heavy sweats) then I went pee. Hopped on again ,116.2

I really hope I'm better by monday, I want to go back to school...and I need to find a job as my money is quickly dwindling.

So far today I've had...

Gatorade - 130 cal
Water - 0 cal
De-caffinated green tea with honey - 60 cal

And currently...1 cup chicken broth - 10 cal (which has badly burned my tongue)

Total - 200 calories :-) But it's only noon.

I'm probably going to get a Vivanno smoothie from starbucks because I'm in love with them, even though they're 280 calories each. Maybe I'll have some soup and a little more gatorade later. I'm trying to stick to liquids since I'm sick. And I'm thinking about eliminating dairy after reading Skinny Bitch, so I guess I'll get that smoothie with soy milk. I just feel like kind of a hypocrite boycotting dairy the same day I have chicken broth for lunch, and I'm paranoid about osteoperosis. Maybe when I go downtown today I'll load up on Calcium and Vitamin D supplements.
 

Now that I'm back to school and living on my own, I'm starting a new health kick sorta thing (I've always been a semi-healthy eater but lately I've been binging on alcohol and food). So here's a sample meal plan, it'll always be relatively the same, just different types of foods but same calorie intake etc.

Breakfast: Fresh squeezed veggie and fruit juice. (Basically just a bunch of veggies and a banada/strawberries in a blender). Coffee with milk and sugar (or sweetner, can't decide which is worse for you).

Lunch: Salad with a protein, probably usually chickpeas or some type of bean.

Dinner: Cous-cous or rice with protein (probably some chicken or fish).

Snacks: A piece of fruit or a fat-free yogurt (one between b-fast and lunch, one between lunch and dinner.) 

Daily caloric intake: 900 give or take a few.

And of course I'll aim for 8 glasses of water a day, and I'll probably throw in a diet coke or an extra coffee every now and then. I'm also aiming to drink ONLY on weekends, which might be tough but hey.

Thoughts?

I'm loving my new journal layout :D

Started Zoloft yesterday. It's way too early for it to make a difference (if it's like the other SSRIs I've taken) but I like it because it come in little neon yellow capsuls.

( Read more... )

                                 

A little higher than my lowest weight,                                Highest weight, four months later. just under 125 lbs.
maybe 100 or 99 lbs                                                             Eating a chip!! That's telling.

Sigh...I'm a little lower now. Hovering over 110. I couldn't find a recent picture that showed my body since it's winter and I'm always bundled up. Both of these are kinda awkward pictures of my face though :P I guess I'm not very photogenic.